i’ve always known what i’ve wanted. my yes’s mean yes. and the reverse. and if i don’t know, you’ll know. of course i listen to good advice. if i don’t and do otherwise, i own the experience. but there’s much in following your own intuition. when my ex and i broke up, i was crushed. he was my first. maybe my only. love is a serious, often shifting thing and i haven’t wanted to suit up and swing at it once more. it’s the heart of my book. when i do, i do; when i want, i pursue; and when i won’t, i don’t. i know my desires, so there’s no need having anyone chase a waterfall not streaming their way. and i stay hydrated, so i’m never thirsty. but breaking up was hard. normally, i handle my feelings pretty well. i sit with them. write them out. take them to dinner. buy em a drink or two. inhale and exhale them all. but this was new. later that year after the breakup, i wrote, “it’s hard when your heart is stuck.” mine was. and because i have a great family, i turned to my mama for some good advice.
where i’m from – in country, backwoods, eastern north carolina – i didn’t see many boys like me. i have over 20 male first cousins but i didn’t see any of them playing basketball, baseball and with barbies. i was. i asked my parents for one…and got it. but i think this made them protective. i was always a creative creature. who were they raising? i was constantly under my mother. by choice or something else. so much so my grandma always asked, “what flavor is she today?” one summer weekend, we drove to my grandparents house in virginia and me, being fashionable wore two pair of socks on each foot. they were almost stacked to my knees. my grandma was so confused. i played dumb when i heard her tell my mama, “don’t let that boy grow up to be no faggot.” i promise it didn’t and still does not impact me. people are where they are until they allow themselves to pivot in a new direction. i believed that then; i know it now. it sure didn’t stop me when i wore a blue shirt, red shorts and exposed long johns (for my new york giants) to school in the 6th grade. oh, the looks! but none said a word…to me.
when i turned to my mother for counsel after my breakup, as always she provided. told me it would be okay. even sent me a ‘keep your head up’ card a few days later. i literally smiled when i saw it stuffed in the mailbox betwixt the bills. it was thoughtful; considerate. it was her. i’ve always been thankful for a mother who cares. some don’t have that so i’m blessed mine does. as i opened the card, a letter fell out. i read it but wasn’t smiling anymore. i was stopped. she quoted scripture and wrote “you know i’ve always prayed for you to be with a woman.” this was hard. we’d had this conversation years ago [insert, this girl tried it face]. we didn’t talk for almost two weeks because of it. when we did, she said as she still says, “i want the best for you.” and a mother should care. i understood; it still hurt. but i’d seen this before. her not getting what she wanted doesn’t mean she loved me any less. it’s where she was but i was far beyond. however, me not lifting my own prayers was and will be a sacrifice too big to take. when we talked awhile ago, i told her i was going to a wedding in a few weeks. she asked, “who.” “two girlfriends,” i said. “oh…nice.”. pivot(ing).
i’ve learned lots. most importantly, to listen to the God in me. i hope this makes someone think about what it is they want. yea, makes sounds aggressive but if you’re doing for others and not you, this is no time to be passive in your pursuits. until now, i think i’ve only shared that letter with my brother. he understood it’s hurt. i remember telling him that people have literally killed themselves over these things. and i still wonder bout that guy from my hometown church who moved to d.c. and did just that. mama ended the letter with, “remember, you are strong.” she was right, i am. always have been. just like her. she knew what she wanted then. and i still do. toni morrison is quoted, “if there’s a book that you want to read, but it hasn’t been written yet, then you must write it.” i didn’t see many others like me growing up, but i knew who i was, what i wanted and who i am. i’m a boy who loves. and like my mama, i love us…for real.
a boy who loves – j. darius greene
so i became
i wish there were a me
when i was there
that backwoods carolina road
of dried up fields
and boundless skies
a me to say
hey
i know you
in some spiritual way
you know what i feel
and i got questions man
like
what should i do
be me
or fit in
still standing out
in this crowd of strangers
there’s too much mystery in my mind
and i see answers in your eyes
i see me in you
clarity on what to do
and you
just being you
saves me
7/24/18
12:45am